Does your narcissistic father/mother loves you?(personal story)

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I am writing today from my own life experience with a narcissistic father. And I’d like to answer the above question in this article’s title right away: ‘possibly to a certain extend’.

Being born in the middle of a disorder from a important rolemodel is very very intense, with all do respect and understanding. It takes you on a ride that is not fun, not possitive and likely you develop a disorder of any kind yourself trying to keep up next to a person that is demeaning you all the time. Cause that is what you basically get as an education when you are living with a narcissistic parent(s). You get an education that is telling you constantly you are wrong, not good for anything and even you are told you are not worthed to live with your ‘crazy’ thought pattern. So the desperate truth is that your mom or dad isn’t really capable of loving you. We are always brought though, very contrary, by the universal law of attraction to a life that we are able to handle. The only reason I feel is that we must face the shool of life to become the shool of wisdom. With wisdom we become teachers and guides of high integrity that are capable of holding a collective responsibility. A reason why some of us have a hard time to learn at school. With intelligence, what we are teached at school, it’s impossible to teach pureness(look at our world’s/society’s intentions). Even more importantly to teach peace. We can only use intelligence as an extension of wisdom but not the other way around. And yes not everybody goes through such a intense life story, let me put it that way…we also need children to be born in families where little is going on for the sake of our existence. For sure we can be wise as well coming from such families and grow in to self-mastery, but we see only a few people who become a high integrity teacher. Becoming a teacher, without shooling, going through self-mastery. One way is not better than the other, it al depends where you are on your path of ascension. Meaning our life purpose is all about becoming your own a leader, no one is needed to follow. And the reason is that you are a powerful soul who knows already how to catch up again with everything you’ve lost; your wisdom inside of you. The world is just mirroring to do so, but we still don’t take it all the way and grow into the wide spectrum of possibilities. To change our lives to the extend of a joy and happiness, following each our intuitive insights on a daily basis.

Why why why?

It’s not anymore about you asking why you are treated the way you are that by narcissism, it’s about you becoming conditioned until you believe it is true what is said to you for years. That you are nothing! And I believed that for too many years as well. It is not since your puberty, no it is since your birth a person is dominating the whole family. One person makes all the rules in a way that is only suitable for the narcissist him/herself. It never stops, it’s a program a narcissist must be held high as it gathers attention and supply for a man or women, your mother or father, who is in desperate need of attention. A deep sense of not being worthed him/herself, but a sense that will never be repleted in no way what so ever by you, even if you try to be compassionate for this shortcoming. In my case at a very young age I was desperately trying to be there for my father, in my child’s eyes a father in despair. Children see through everything, certainly when a parent is in pain. But what really happens, this way, is your are setting up a for a role that is way to big to be able to handle it by you. Here lies a deep transformation for you, but throughout all those years of neglect and abuse(emotionally or fysically or both) you are not conscious about it. No, you were built a trauma. Once you knew it was wrong, at the same time it became your view on life. Wich is not yours but them.

But what to do if you are in need of attention too, not realizing how to receive it? Not knowing it is your inner child that is in pain, a pain not seeming to ever get away. A daily unwell feeling of grief not abeing able to put your finger on it for already too many years. The only question you have is, still in a position where the pain is pushed away for the sake of protecting yourself: ‘why am I alive?’

There is need of attention what so ever for you put aside, you have lived to be there for a parent that is not capable(and never became capable, I am 45 now) of receiving your help nor the help of someone else. So you keep on living for others, your whole life if you will, until you see clear it is not ok. The vain help you offered a narcissistic personality was maddening. This because the deep never satifying craving for non stop (smacked to the ground) attention taken from you and everybody around him or her was unceasingly. Yours for sure the most, a to innocent child or young adult who became a punching ball for everything the narcissist lacks. Your help doesn’t go deep though for them, it is received very shallow cause to much of a compassionate way turns the narcissist against you. Cause you must stay the weakest, the playing ball, who is just there. Unseen. The reason of emotional shollowness with narcissists is because they don’t let you in, they are not able to let you in…cause in there is the pain, only that pain is shut off and they only look at the gate(their gate) that shuts it off. A narcissist is not willing to go look behind the gate as there is no supply that is yet known for sure. It is shut off for a reason, so if they themselves can’t enter, why would you? They will never let you if you try, they will hurt you instead because over there is something ‘just nobody steels’…it’s a stock of pain that is not aware yet by the narcissist as a pain. They are like gatekeepers of their own empire of pain that is done to them by the outside world. Their only belief; everything is done too them by the outside world, by others. Narcissists are respecting their belief, a false belief. As isn’t any pain a false belief?

Only the outside world seems to see their real pain, so you are seeing clear all the time. Let’s say it’s rare for a narcissist to become conscious about their unfinished business in this lifetime, they would of been in another state of being if they were ready to face emotions inside of them. The outside world is allowed if the attention built’s them up against that hidden pain(again it is an unknow unconscious process of self protection with no one to access and no one will succeed to talk about it through and through). Communicating with a narcissist is a losing game. So it became a game within for the narcissist and everybody needs to know and FEEL they are in pain(again unconciously they might remember abuse but it’s not done to them, it became their personality disorder they consider not having of course). It is like an alcohol addiction, ‘they are not addicted’. Again and again I repeat; we are the only onces in the world that are in pain though for a narcissist. That is about the level they are in throughout this lifetime.

To get to their pain, and they don’t feel it, you must become in pain first…that is their only way to FEEL they are ok. A validation that plays every 5 minutes if you will, with whomever that is in front of them. Also a small child in need of his/her dad/mom. So very soon in the life of children of a narcissist those children become depressed one way or another. Or even worse, sadly, they become easily narcissists themselves. What other way are they supposed to know? Never to forget the path of addiction problems is always lurking here. Victoms of narcissistic abuse are held hostage to understand that everyone outside is doing it the wrong way but the narcissist him/herself. This is a huge part of our education, even more it is that part that is holding you back from connecting with the world. It forms you to the devastating loneliness that is hard to break through before you even see there is a possibility to come out of this place. A place where you are in a fact a woman or man in chains. To cut these chains loose you will need to clear see first that all of this energy is not yours but the one of a person who decided to use you as supply. And that you believed(still believe) it all!

As a high sensitive child myself I turned inwards, I was always, I remember, concerned about my father. I always felt guilty cause I didn’t know what I did wrong, he was always in a mood of being bored about me. I seemed to be to much of a problem. He never said that he loved me. It was my mother who had to remind him of being proud at me…but he never anticipated on that. And for my mother it was also difficult to be proud of me, she was much damaged herself. I was only 7, if not younger when I started to feel deeply depressed. Surrounded by parents who seem to hate each other and I felt responsible for it. No one knew cause narcissists are charming personalities for the outside world, but once at home the misery starts all over again. The yelling, the beatings I received….in short one day I was beated so hard I almost passed out. My father punched me in to the ground for no reason(well in narcissistic truth he took me as a projection for his pain, my own opinion might of of shined through a little too much or I might of not heard him properly in what he said). In this position you give up(and the beatings happened too many times). I fell in to a deep sort of sadness, a dissociative condition. I couldn’t run, I was enrolled in a terrifying fear and wasn’t protected by my mother while it happened. A mother scared of her ruling husband. I was hardly sitting straight up with my hands covered on my head to protect myself, my head was spinning around from the many punches. I could not see clear no more while my urine began to flood. Only after a while, my scared mother stopped him, saying: ‘you will kill her if you don’t stop!’. I will never forget these words! Never! My father never apologized and no one ever talked about it no more afterwards, but my completely broken numb heart shut down. Disorientation, an outer bodily experience started to take part of me. Above all, confusion was my daily habit. Depression was set for 30 years. Before that I didn’t succeed to come out of it.

After one of those happening I’ve changed, I felt nothing no more. But still I was serving my father of attention, even more now I felt compassionate for him, avery unhealthy way of thinking too place inside of me(I can tell now afterwards). I knew I had to work harder to gain my parent’s love. Life went on and everywhere around me my father was supplied from his basic needs, while I became quiet building up nervosity and anxiety. Throughout my shool years I felt depressive and everyday I had to survive to go to shool. But no one talked to me no more cause I didn’t neither. I just lived, with no joy. My narcissistic father was laughing at me, kept saying continiously I was no one and laughed with the fact the doctor said I was depressive. It was nothing more than my imagination for him. After a long time I realized my mother was scared of him, and eventually she committed suicide many years later. My depression transistioned more and more into the energy of dissociation and was interspersed by a rather scattered energy. I dealt with life, but I couldn’t handle it, I wasn’t prepared for it. I was like on an automatic pilot when I look back now. Just doing things as orders, far from enjoying them, but imposing to being perfect. The only way to enjoy life was through a feeling that relieved me from my pain, a manic kind of feeling that started to take place in my body and mind slowly. I didn’t control it , it just took over and all of a sudden I could handle everything within that emotion, even though I already lived together with my boyfriend(my husband now). Only I didn’t realize it was dangerous untill I had to face a manic psychosis with all its consequences. And that more than once.

Manifesting psychiatry

I had to learn eventually to understand this condition, this experiences made me to become an expert on that topic, followed by the spiritual meaning of this condition eventually. For a long time it took over my life. Most importantly of all I have been healing this condition myself for the last 10 years now. I wasn’t going to completely heal by traditional psychiatry methods only. A deeper understanding of narcissism and why we must face it throughout such a karmic path was my personal challenge to solve and to understand why it was in my life. No one else can ever do that for you, even if you feel it’s not fair what is done to you. At the end I could carry, this time around, my pain by gaining a knowingness that is bigger than I ever expected. So I have been writing on these experiences that I call ‘Manifesting Psychiatry’. All of that occured behind the scenes, now I am preparing to publish them now and then. The content of the elevated energies a human does experience is so much more than we know of today in science.

Many people are walking harsh karmic paths, but that means we must SEE clearer, deeper and bigger to become more enlightened on our personal path so the karma can be lifted away from our layered energy system. Our bodily, emotional, mental and karmic level of energetic household. Before the story I have shared just now there was another event in my life that was bringing me early dissociation. An age in wich we can not imagine its effect on a child’s life and development. As I told you earlier my mother was scared of my father, a sign of trauma. It was thanks to the spiritual deepening I did for the last 10 years, asking the universe what and how to heal myself, I could discover my divine life purpose(and writing about narcissism is one part of my life purpose). In respons I remembered the event I needed to remember/recall. I was showed how to heal all of this. I first started to recall my previous lifetimes, but I also was shown an even earlier lifetime within this life. To find the evidance in my family again.

About twenty years ago I started to work on my anxiety and soon I could see that aswell me as my mother were abused on a very deep level. It concerned the sexual abuse by her father, my grandfather. I was used untill the age of 3. I don’t know how long my mother was abused, but one day I received a letter from a niece of mine, who lives in Canada, asking me if I was also sexual abused by our grandfather. My grandfather died when I was 3 years old. But we simply don’t forget what we can’t remember. And I didn’t. So, supported by the universal powers, I received my confirmation on my visions and insights during my healingprocess. Confirmed by my niece. When we become enrolled in a psychiatric setting it is no that simple to disern what is really yours to discover as you are carrying so much debris of, in my case, my parents and other karmic events, that I had to learn first to become grounded again. A energetic improment that puts all of yours senses back in order. I will write in a new article telling all about how to get used with this term practicing it again and again until your body and soul start to feel at ease. Futher and further away by the restlessness and nervousness that never was yours in the first place.

My story, your story

I have written this article to give opening towards any healing process someone may be in. No I am not open to narcissists, even if they need healing, cause I can sense this energy on a distance now. Any unappropriate question I will discard. The good news is that your personal healing process might start up in one way or another, coming up slowly to embrace healing just by reading this article. I am here to answer and share questions so we can deepen out why we must get rid of karmic involment from any particular lifetime. So I hope by sharing my story you can feel that you are not alone. Being in pain means there is the need to resolve it cause you couldn’t do it earlier…again in the NOW you will! Everybody starts to heal a certain time, just not everybody is able to face it at the same amount of speed. We must first be ready to handle it and then FEEL it. Certainly in case when we are coming out of a psychiatric situation. We will have to put up a team around us that is willing to see with you that you are not born to stay sick or disordered. People that do yet understand that if we call in sick we must not stay sick. I just know(after seeing lots of dear people thriving within the walls of psychiatric hospitals) there is help and guidance present, only it is not easy to find such a setting yet today.

You may ask me questions like: ‘How to deal with a narcissistic parent/lover?’ and I will (only) comment below(no email). This way I can serve many of us in need of answers. That is why I opened up about my personal story in the first place. If starting to communicate in case of the subject on ‘Manifesting Psychiatry’, that is so much in need of answers for individuals and their loved onces, than remember that it is about time to start the interaction and stopping the taboe. Opening up to the actual healing within psychiatry is important now. Even more importantly is that people can be guided in save ways, let’s think about it as a priority. From here I want to start creating gradually the interaction and connection between alternative ways of healing with traditional psychiatry. Sharing techniques that are efficient must become subjects around the table in a joint venture. I can only inspire to do that by showing how I made it work personally, emphasizing on the fact that we can not any longer being seen as the group of people that are used in scientific research as we are all different as individuals. This is more than life changing if we can open up and shine a different light on healing possibilities all together, not forgetting the holistic constitution of our body and mind; our soul.

The people along my healing path of narcissistic abuse that shared all about their own stories about narcissistic abuse, it simply helped me by reading only their newsletters on narcissism: Kim Saeed and Melanie Tonia Evans(ENG), Mjon van Oers(NL). Their programs are mostly orientated towards narcissistic partners, but it is the same procedure to break free from a narcissistic parent.

And now I am here myself to develop more insights and more on narcissism(with psychiatric impact and non-psychiatric impact). So everybody is welcome to share their own stories and to take advantage of the Q&A I am starting here now.

Your guide in recovery,

Michèle

”Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts”

– Kahlil Gibran